What is Battering?

Battering is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. Assault, battering, and other violent actions associated with domestic violence are crimes.

Definitions: Abuse of family members can take many forms. Battering may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children, threats, using male privilege, intimidation, isolation, and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family. Women are most commonly the victims of violence. Elder and child abuse are also prevalent. Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of the following categories:

Physical Battering - The abuser's physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks.

Sexual Abuse - Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual violence wherein the woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with her abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity.

Psychological Battering - The abuser's psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property.

Battering escalates. It often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, and throwing things. Finally, it may become life-threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons.

A question often asked when discussing the dynamics of domestic violence is "Why would anyone get involved with a batterer in the first place"? Abusive individuals most often don't start out being abusive in a new relationship. A batterer can be very charming and sweet in the beginning. The batterer has the ability to give the potential victim whatever she needs at that time. Flowers, dinner, kind words, funds, playfulness, a listening ear, who wouldn't respond to these things? At some point, however, this courtship comes to a halt and the abuse and violence begins.

Along with the tactics of power and control, many times another pattern occurs in the abusive relationship. This is a pattern of growing tension, an explosion of violence followed by a "honeymoon" phase. In this phase the batterer is very sorry and will never do "this" again, promises are made, tears may be shed, the flowers and gifts may return. But this "honeymoon" fades over time and the tension begins to build. It isn't long before another explosion of violence occurs followed by yet more promises. And the pattern begins again... This pattern is not seen in all abusive relationships. In some cultures it is accepted for the male to have total power and control over the female and this pattern is not needed to maintain the relationship.

Signs of a Battering Personality

POWER & CONTROL WHEEL

Many women are interested in knowing how they can predict whether or not they are becoming involved with an abuser. There is no typical victim or perpetrator. Any woman can be battered, regardless of age, race, nationality, sexual orientation, educational background, or socio-economic level. Battering usually occurs between a man and a woman partner. However, violence can exist in other domestic relationships as well including, but not limited to, gay & lesbian relationships, dating relationships (dating violence), and parent-child relationships (older parents beaten by their adult children).*

Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their partners. If the person has several (three or more) of these behaviors there is a strong potential for physical violence - the more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases a batterer may only have a couple of behaviors a woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (i.e. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). In the beginning these behaviors can be "explained" by the batterer as love and concern. However, as time goes on these behaviors become more severe and serve to establish, keep, and strengthen power and control over the victim.

*To facilitate reading there are places in which the word "he" is used to name the role of the abuser. This wording is not meant to discount the various situation in which domestic violence occurs.

1. JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love, it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question the woman about whom she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As jealousy progresses, the abuser may call her frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let her work for fear she will meet someone else, or even do strange things like checking her car mileage or asking friend to watch her.

2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first the batterer will say that this behavior is because of concern for the woman's safety and well being. The abuser will be angry if the woman is "late" coming back from the store or elsewhere and will question her closely about where she went, to whom she spoke, etc. As this behavior gets worse the abuser may not let the woman make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, going to church; he may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.

3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many battered women dated or know their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. An abuser comes on like a whirl-wind claiming "You're the only person I could ever talk to", "I've never felt loved like this by anyone". The abuser will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship in such a way that later a woman may feel very guilty or that she is "letting him down" if she wants to slow down involvement or break-off the relationship.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all of their needs; the abuser expects the woman to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, friend, and will say things like "If you love me, I'm all you need - you're all I need". She is supposed to take care of everything for the abuser emotionally and in the home.

5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the woman off from all resources. If she has men friends, she's a whore; if she has women friends she's a lesbian; if she's close to her family she's "tied to the apron strings". The abuser accuses people who are the woman's supports of "causing trouble". The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, may not let the woman use the car (or have one that is reliable), or may try to keep the woman from working, going to school or church.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is out to get him, someone is always doing him wrong. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the woman for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on the work. The abuser will tell the woman that she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: The abuser will tell the woman "You make me so mad", "You're hurting my by not doing what I tell you", "I can't help being angry". The abuser really makes the decision about what he thinks or feels but will use feelings to manipulate the woman. Less obvious are claims that "You make me happy", "You control how I feel".

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, claiming his feelings are hurt when he is really mad, or taking the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that happen - things that are really just a part of life, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told a behavior is annoying, being asked to help with chores.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: This is a person who kills or punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain and suffering. The abuser may expect children to do things that are way beyond their ability (whips a two-year-old for wetting a diaper) or the abuser may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry (65% of those who beat their partner will also abuse the children). The abuser may not want the children to eat at the table or will expect them to stay in their room all evening when the abuser is home.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to throw the woman down and hold her down during sex. The abuser may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless and will let know that the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and will use sulking behavior or anger to manipulate her into compliance. The abuser may starting having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades the woman, cursing her, or running down her accomplishments. The abuser will tell the woman that she is stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking the woman up to verbally abuse her or not letting her go to sleep.

12. RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser expects the woman to serve him, perhaps saying that the woman must stay at home, that she must obey in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

13. DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE: Many women are confused by their abuser's "sudden" mood changes - they may think that the abuser has some mental problem because one minute the abuser is really nice and the next minute the abuser is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

The following four signs are found in those who are indeed batterers.

14. PAST BATTERING: An abuser may say that he has hit women in the past but it was the woman's fault or it was only one time. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-partners that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman he is with if the woman is with him long enough for violence to begin: situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control a woman; "Ill slap your mouth off", "I'll kill you", "I'll break you neck". Though most people do not threaten their partners, a batterer will try to excuse the threats by saying that "everybody talks like that".

16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as punishment (breaking loved possessions) but is used mostly to terrorize the woman into submission. The abuser may beat on tables with his fist or throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior - not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten his partner.

17. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold the woman against the wall and say "You're going to listen to me"!

Did you know?

The average number of times a battered woman may leave from, and return to, her batterer is between 5 and 7!!

The average number of excuses (sometimes described as 'syndromes') a batterer will use to get his victim to return is between 5 and 7. These include:

The Sweet Baby syndrome: "Oh, sweet baby, please come back... I can't live without you... I love you so much baby, please come back... I'll never hurt you again".

The Super Dad syndrome: "I miss my kids so much...How can you do this to me... How can you take my children away from me... I love them so much... They need their daddy... Bring my kids back to me... You're hurting them by keeping them away from me".

The Sobriety syndrome: "If you come back to me, I'll quit drinking... I'll stop using drugs... You can come home now... I've joined AA/NA... You know I only hurt you when I'm drunk".

The Religious syndrome: "I went to church today... I was born again... God has forgiven me, why can't you... Come home and we'll read the Bible together... We'll go to church as a family and everything will change".

The Counseling syndrome: "
I went to my pastor for counseling today... My counselor wants to talk with you too... I'm seeing a professional for my problems and you should too... I'm learning how to control my anger in counseling... Let's go to marriage counseling and things will be better... Come home, I've changed".

The next two syndromes, Repeats of the above with intermittent Somebody's Going to Die syndrome: "I'll kill myself if you don't come back... Sweet baby, I really love you and can't live without you... I'll kill you and the kids if you don't come back... I've really changed... I'll kill your family, friends, or co-workers if you don't come back".

Getting Support

Domestic violence is a pervasive problem in virtually all countries, cultures, classes, and income groups. It is a complex and multifaceted problem with individual solutions that are appropriate for different women in different socio-economic contexts.

Both short and long-term measures must be considered. Short-term measures consist of assistance programs that protect the individual woman who has been or is being abused. They often focus on the critical period just after a woman leaves her home, providing her with food, shelter, and guidance. This is the period when a woman is most at risk from the perpetrator seeking retribution, or when she might return to the home out of a sense of hopelessness. Long-term measures seek to educate the public and empower the woman to re-establish her life without violence.

Any response should involve collaboration among the health, legal, and social sectors, so that the woman is not continually referred to another agency. Some models or such programs include the use of "family crisis centers", or "victim advocates", to act as the woman's link to the various sectors.

Support can come in various forms.

Crisis Intervention

Crisis hot lines.

Shelters or other emergency residential facilities.

Medical services.

Transportation networks.

Law that allow perpetrators to be removed from the home and provides for the victim getting full custody of her children.

Emotional Support

Self-help support groups.

Empowerment modeling.

Self-esteem and confidence-building sessions.

Parenting support services.

Advocacy and Legal Assistance

Access to a custody of children.

Property matters.

Financial support.

Restraining and protective orders.

Public assistance benefits.

Help with immigration status.

Other Support Services

Housing and safe accommodations.

Child advocacy groups.

Access to community services.

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